and just like that another year has passed, more time has gone by and living a life without you hasn’t gotten any easier. Nothing feels the same, holidays and celebrations don’t seem as cheerful and bright without you. We’re all trying really hard to move forward and live the life you would have wanted for us, you would have wanted us to be live happily. Without a doubt in my mind, I know you would have given anything to ensure we got that life. So here goes nothing, I’m welcoming 2021 as the year of good intention.
It’s been nearly four months since I’ve been able to actually sit down and write something, there have been multiple occasions where I’ve sat down and started a post but nothing seemed important enough to share. But today I was reminded of the true meaning of life.
I work at an optometry clinic and am constantly meeting people from all different walks of life, some who mostly keep things to themselves and others who choose to share their insights with anyone who’ll listen. Today had the pleasure of sitting down with an older gentleman to discuss the beauty of life itself. He first brought up how being a retired veteran he has seen much of the world but there’s still so much for him to see and do. We spend so much of our lives focused on how we’ll be able to afford luxuries that sometimes we forget to actually stop and live a little. His suggestion was to find a little piece of somewhere to think of as Heaven and return to that place as much as possible, for him it’s finding his way to Colorado every year right around the same time that Albuquerque hosts their balloon festival. Moral of the story, location is important but not nearly as much as the timing.
Have you ever heard a song that nailed every single emotion you’ve tried to lock away and brought it back to life? Yet you can’t stop yourself from listening to the words on repeat because it’s everything you feel and more? These lyrics get me, they feel every ounce of my pain and grief. I hate knowing that someone else has known this pain though, because no one should have to lose someone who means so much. It’s being part of a club that no one wanted to join, one you wish no one else ever gets to join.
Though I know that you’re not there
I still write you all these songs
It’s like, you still got the right to know what’s going on
As I struggle to remember how you used to look and sound
Sometimes I still think I can spot you in the crowd
I just wanna start off saying I’m a firm believer in signs, although many people say things are coincidental I believe there’s always a reason behind everything. I also believe when loved ones pass on from earth they find ways to communicate with us through signs, because they are always looking down from above and making sure we’re safe and sound.
At around 3am our fire alarm went off twice, ten minutes apart but it rang twice you guys. We searched the house but found no fire anywhere. The only thing I could pin point it to was I fell asleep with a heat pad on, mom must have been watching me from the heavens and woke us before anything could have happened (because there was no smoke or fire or anything from the heat pad being on for the few hours I was asleep).
Sending all the love up to the heavens because all I want to do this Mother’s Day is give you a hug and tell you how much I love you.
It’s been over 9 months now, slowly but surely I’m feeling more and more like my old self. Scratch that a better version of myself, one my mom would be proud of. The hole in my heart is gradually healing. I won’t lie and say that there aren’t days (or moments) that I still break down and lose it, because grief takes longer than months or even years to overcome but I’m doing better. I miss you so much mom, losing you has been harder than my mind is able to grasp.
With everything that’s going on in the world, it’s been difficult to have a positive mind set. Anytime you turn on the news or get onto social media there are endless news articles about sickness and death, I understand the reasons for the coverage of these stories but I hate that this is what our lives have come to. Today I’m choosing to look at the positives of this situation, positive outcomes of covid19 for me:
- It’s given me a new appreciation for things I’ve taken for granted; things like gathering with friends and family, shopping, eating at a restaurant, and having full time employment
- I’ve learned to slow down and enjoy the simple things in life; like sleeping in, reading, home cooked meals, and spending more time at home
- It’s helped me reevaluate my spending; not only with finances but how I spend my time too
- The opportunity to try new things and find new hobbies (especially things I’ve always said I’ve never had time to do)
- Being able to learn about myself more and giving myself time to grow without outside stressors
It’s been a rough couple of weeks, with the pandemic going on as well as a lot more firsts since mom passed… and to be frank, I’ve really been struggling with all of it. Last week was both hers and dad’s birthday, which I’m surprised to say we survived it. This week has couple more family member’s birthdays too and I really just can’t find reasons to smile or celebrate. My heart just feels heavy and I’m fighting with myself to be okay.
Just when I thought things were getting easier, it gets hard again. I think the scariest part of the COVID19 pandemic to me right now is all the uncertainties, we don’t know when things will go back to normal or if they ever will. My anxiety over the situation has been slowly growing, each night it’s been harder and harder for me to relax enough to even get any rest. I’ve been struggling with my chest feeling extremely tight at the end of the night as well as not being able to shut off my brain, I feel like I’m losing it. To add to my anxiety, today my boss officially decided she will no longer be able to staff everyone at our office. Now I’m possibly jobless and there’s not a single thing I can even do about right now. Praying for things to get better because there’s no way it’ll be like this forever right?
I can only imagine how my dad feels today, seeing everyone everywhere expressing their love for one another. I caught him talking to a picture of mom apologizing for not being able to get her flowers today because he got off work late, in that moment my heart broke for him. He’s the strong one, the leader, the protector seeing him in this vulnerable moments are rare. I know every day is a new challenge for him because she was his absolute best friend and love of his life, but today… man today I wish I could give him another moment with her.