Take a moment out of your day to really just breathe and collect yourself. No matter how long or short you can give yourself try to make the moment possible. You deserve it.
***taking my own advise: stopped for coffee and some coffee cake before heading to work. It’s gonna be a good day.
They come out of nowhere and it’s impossible to hold back the tears. I hate those moments where I relive the loss. Where my mind wonders and ends up over analyzing every last detail to the last weeks and days you were alive. There’s so many signs that we missed, so many small things that I wish I could have noticed so I could have cherished those last moments more.
I haven’t been able to control my emotions lately. I honestly want to blame it on the fact that I’m already a moody person to begin with, but I know it’s more than that. There’s deeper roots to what’s been fueling my fire lately. My already short temper has grown even shorter and I snap at just about anything. It’s just so hard to control how I feel when everything else seems to be falling apart too.
I work at a doctors office so I know it’s impossible to avoid hearing or seeing the word cancer, but when I do it still gets me a little. Every time I’m charting and see the cancer box checked, I have to take a moment to collect myself… because that terrible disease is what turned my life upside. Usually I can take deep breaths and count to ten and be fine, but today was a different story.
Today, not only was the box checked off but written next to it was endocervical cancer… and I completely lost it. I set aside the same chart maybe five different times before I was even able to type those words…
They say that grief is the last act of love we have to give to those we loved. For the past three months I’ve watched my dad, whom for my entire twenty-four years of existence, go from superhuman to a shell of a man grieving the loss of his one true love. All my life he’s been the man with the answers, the one anyone and everyone would go to for help of any kind. But since the loss of mom I’ve learned a different side of him, I’ve realized even Superman has vulnerability. I’ve never seen him express so much anger, hurt, heartache, pain, or sorrow in my entire life. He’s worked aimlessly trying to find peace in the chaos that’s left behind her, but day by day I can see how tired he’s becoming.
I really wish there were something I could do to ease his pain, something I could do to bring him just an ounce of peace… but I know the truth behind that is we all have our own grieving journeys to work through. I might have lost my mom, but he lost his best friend and love of his life… that kind of loss is immeasurable.
may include overwhelming tiredness & exhaustion, confusion, difficulty with concentration, sleep changes, appetite changes, nightmares, social isolation, restlessness, aches & pains, anxiety attacks, and difficultly breathing. And let me tell you something, I really do feel all of those things.