Have you ever heard a song that nailed every single emotion you’ve tried to lock away and brought it back to life? Yet you can’t stop yourself from listening to the words on repeat because it’s everything you feel and more? These lyrics get me, they feel every ounce of my pain and grief. I hate knowing that someone else has known this pain though, because no one should have to lose someone who means so much. It’s being part of a club that no one wanted to join, one you wish no one else ever gets to join.
Though I know that you’re not there
I still write you all these songs
It’s like, you still got the right to know what’s going on
As I struggle to remember how you used to look and sound
Sometimes I still think I can spot you in the crowd
I just wanna start off saying I’m a firm believer in signs, although many people say things are coincidental I believe there’s always a reason behind everything. I also believe when loved ones pass on from earth they find ways to communicate with us through signs, because they are always looking down from above and making sure we’re safe and sound.
At around 3am our fire alarm went off twice, ten minutes apart but it rang twice you guys. We searched the house but found no fire anywhere. The only thing I could pin point it to was I fell asleep with a heat pad on, mom must have been watching me from the heavens and woke us before anything could have happened (because there was no smoke or fire or anything from the heat pad being on for the few hours I was asleep).
Sending all the love up to the heavens because all I want to do this Mother’s Day is give you a hug and tell you how much I love you.
It’s been over 9 months now, slowly but surely I’m feeling more and more like my old self. Scratch that a better version of myself, one my mom would be proud of. The hole in my heart is gradually healing. I won’t lie and say that there aren’t days (or moments) that I still break down and lose it, because grief takes longer than months or even years to overcome but I’m doing better. I miss you so much mom, losing you has been harder than my mind is able to grasp.
With everything that’s going on in the world, it’s been difficult to have a positive mind set. Anytime you turn on the news or get onto social media there are endless news articles about sickness and death, I understand the reasons for the coverage of these stories but I hate that this is what our lives have come to. Today I’m choosing to look at the positives of this situation, positive outcomes of covid19 for me:
- It’s given me a new appreciation for things I’ve taken for granted; things like gathering with friends and family, shopping, eating at a restaurant, and having full time employment
- I’ve learned to slow down and enjoy the simple things in life; like sleeping in, reading, home cooked meals, and spending more time at home
- It’s helped me reevaluate my spending; not only with finances but how I spend my time too
- The opportunity to try new things and find new hobbies (especially things I’ve always said I’ve never had time to do)
- Being able to learn about myself more and giving myself time to grow without outside stressors
It’s been a rough couple of weeks, with the pandemic going on as well as a lot more firsts since mom passed… and to be frank, I’ve really been struggling with all of it. Last week was both hers and dad’s birthday, which I’m surprised to say we survived it. This week has couple more family member’s birthdays too and I really just can’t find reasons to smile or celebrate. My heart just feels heavy and I’m fighting with myself to be okay.
I can only imagine how my dad feels today, seeing everyone everywhere expressing their love for one another. I caught him talking to a picture of mom apologizing for not being able to get her flowers today because he got off work late, in that moment my heart broke for him. He’s the strong one, the leader, the protector seeing him in this vulnerable moments are rare. I know every day is a new challenge for him because she was his absolute best friend and love of his life, but today… man today I wish I could give him another moment with her.
I wish I could just sleep off all the pain. Trying to convey to the world that you’re okay gets extremely exhausting. It’s like no matter how much sleep I get, I’m still so tired. Almost as if I don’t really even get any rest, I mean I know I sleep but I don’t feel any relief and I don’t feel rested either. It’s like my mind continues to race til it literally can’t handle anymore and I just pass out for a couple of hours. My eyes stay shut and my mind goes dark but when I open my eyes everything comes right back… all the hurt and emptiness, all the words I wish I could have said, all the things I wish I could have done, all the memories of moments that I wish I could cherished a little more…
The past couple of days I’ve had a lot of time to reflect (actually to overthink, if I’m being honest), and it’s led me to realize I really dislike being alone with my thoughts. Grief is hard because you can’t really control it. Mostly I still feel empty, like I’m searching for a missing part of myself but I’m really not sure how to find the answer. I wish more than anything that I could have a one on one conversation with my mom about life, I need the love and encouragement that only a mom could give.
Lately I’ve been into the idea that your energy levels mirror the space you occupy. Things that need to be taken into account are who and what you choose to let into that space. Whether that be physical space or mental space, I’ve really been reevaluating different aspects of my life. I’ve noticed my physical surroundings have been a bit messy, leading to my mind also being cluttered and me feeling tired all the time. I’ve been really pushing myself to create a better space for myself to come home to, because if we’re being completely honest everyone wants to be able to just come home and relax a little. I’ve cleaned out and organized some of the junk lying around as well as focusing on things that bring me energy too, for a while I turned my salt lamps on every night and that seemed to really help with my anxiety levels; so I’ve made it a point to start doing that again. I am also big on subtle smelly things so instead of having a candle burning all the time I got myself a diffuser and am using essential oils. I know it’s not a huge step into doing better for myself but every little step counts.