Missing piece

With graduation right around the corner (literally next Monday) everyone keeps asking me what’s my next move? And honestly I can’t come up with an answer because most days I still feel like a piece of me is missing. I feel like I can’t make any big decisions because nothing feels quite right. I wish I had words of encouragement from my mom, I wish she would have been able to be by my side for my biggest achievement. I feel like I’m being robbed because nothing in the world will change the fact that I just need my mom.

Moments

They come out of nowhere and it’s impossible to hold back the tears. I hate those moments where I relive the loss. Where my mind wonders and ends up over analyzing every last detail to the last weeks and days you were alive. There’s so many signs that we missed, so many small things that I wish I could have noticed so I could have cherished those last moments more.

Mood swings

I haven’t been able to control my emotions lately. I honestly want to blame it on the fact that I’m already a moody person to begin with, but I know it’s more than that. There’s deeper roots to what’s been fueling my fire lately. My already short temper has grown even shorter and I snap at just about anything. It’s just so hard to control how I feel when everything else seems to be falling apart too.

Just Breathe

I work at a doctors office so I know it’s impossible to avoid hearing or seeing the word cancer, but when I do it still gets me a little. Every time I’m charting and see the cancer box checked, I have to take a moment to collect myself… because that terrible disease is what turned my life upside. Usually I can take deep breaths and count to ten and be fine, but today was a different story.

Today, not only was the box checked off but written next to it was endocervical cancer… and I completely lost it. I set aside the same chart maybe five different times before I was even able to type those words…