Take a moment out of your day to really just breathe and collect yourself. No matter how long or short you can give yourself try to make the moment possible. You deserve it.
***taking my own advise: stopped for coffee and some coffee cake before heading to work. It’s gonna be a good day.
They come out of nowhere and it’s impossible to hold back the tears. I hate those moments where I relive the loss. Where my mind wonders and ends up over analyzing every last detail to the last weeks and days you were alive. There’s so many signs that we missed, so many small things that I wish I could have noticed so I could have cherished those last moments more.
I work at a doctors office so I know it’s impossible to avoid hearing or seeing the word cancer, but when I do it still gets me a little. Every time I’m charting and see the cancer box checked, I have to take a moment to collect myself… because that terrible disease is what turned my life upside. Usually I can take deep breaths and count to ten and be fine, but today was a different story.
Today, not only was the box checked off but written next to it was endocervical cancer… and I completely lost it. I set aside the same chart maybe five different times before I was even able to type those words…
Confession: I haven’t been able to post lately because I haven’t really felt like myself. It’s been a struggle trying to get a good nights sleep, most night I’m extremely restless. I spend my nights tossing and turning until I am finally able to pass out for a couple of hours. To top it all off I’ve also been having a recurring nightmare, the small details to the dream change here and there but for the most part it all ends the same. I’m never able to save mom. The dream is me reliving the last few days/week of her life, except in my dream it’s just me and her when it gets hard. I’m never able to help her alone, she’s weak, hurting, and crying… and I’m so helpless. Subconsciously I’m always wondering why on earth God only gave me twenty-four years with her, and in my dreams I try to work out what’s I could have done differently to be able to save her. But even those dreams have turned into nightmares because saving her was beyond anyone’s control… Which leads me back to this: the hardest concepts for me to grasp is having to live the rest of my life without her.
Missing you is hard enough but man do I hate when the what if’s start to weigh in. It’s the things I didn’t do or better yet the things I’d wish I’d done better that make me wish so badly that I had the ability to reverse time. The list goes on and on, almost as if it grows with each passing moment. The though of what if I had one more moment with you, the things I’d do or say to make you realize how much you truly meant to me; because lord knows I never told you enough. Every night when before I close my eyes I pray that you’d be able to forgive me for all the what if’s I’ve turned into regrets. I wish more than anything I’d made more memories and took more photos, because what I have left of you isn’t enough.
& just like that the hardest 62 days of my life flew by. I honestly don’t know how I’ve managed to wake up everyday and carry on, but I did it. I actually did it.