Have you ever heard a song that nailed every single emotion you’ve tried to lock away and brought it back to life? Yet you can’t stop yourself from listening to the words on repeat because it’s everything you feel and more? These lyrics get me, they feel every ounce of my pain and grief. I hate knowing that someone else has known this pain though, because no one should have to lose someone who means so much. It’s being part of a club that no one wanted to join, one you wish no one else ever gets to join.
Though I know that you’re not there
I still write you all these songs
It’s like, you still got the right to know what’s going on
As I struggle to remember how you used to look and sound
Sometimes I still think I can spot you in the crowd
Sending all the love up to the heavens because all I want to do this Mother’s Day is give you a hug and tell you how much I love you.
It’s been over 9 months now, slowly but surely I’m feeling more and more like my old self. Scratch that a better version of myself, one my mom would be proud of. The hole in my heart is gradually healing. I won’t lie and say that there aren’t days (or moments) that I still break down and lose it, because grief takes longer than months or even years to overcome but I’m doing better. I miss you so much mom, losing you has been harder than my mind is able to grasp.
It’s been a rough couple of weeks, with the pandemic going on as well as a lot more firsts since mom passed… and to be frank, I’ve really been struggling with all of it. Last week was both hers and dad’s birthday, which I’m surprised to say we survived it. This week has couple more family member’s birthdays too and I really just can’t find reasons to smile or celebrate. My heart just feels heavy and I’m fighting with myself to be okay.
I can only imagine how my dad feels today, seeing everyone everywhere expressing their love for one another. I caught him talking to a picture of mom apologizing for not being able to get her flowers today because he got off work late, in that moment my heart broke for him. He’s the strong one, the leader, the protector seeing him in this vulnerable moments are rare. I know every day is a new challenge for him because she was his absolute best friend and love of his life, but today… man today I wish I could give him another moment with her.
I wish I could just sleep off all the pain. Trying to convey to the world that you’re okay gets extremely exhausting. It’s like no matter how much sleep I get, I’m still so tired. Almost as if I don’t really even get any rest, I mean I know I sleep but I don’t feel any relief and I don’t feel rested either. It’s like my mind continues to race til it literally can’t handle anymore and I just pass out for a couple of hours. My eyes stay shut and my mind goes dark but when I open my eyes everything comes right back… all the hurt and emptiness, all the words I wish I could have said, all the things I wish I could have done, all the memories of moments that I wish I could cherished a little more…
The past couple of days I’ve had a lot of time to reflect (actually to overthink, if I’m being honest), and it’s led me to realize I really dislike being alone with my thoughts. Grief is hard because you can’t really control it. Mostly I still feel empty, like I’m searching for a missing part of myself but I’m really not sure how to find the answer. I wish more than anything that I could have a one on one conversation with my mom about life, I need the love and encouragement that only a mom could give.
Please give all cancer fighters strength to fight & never give up. May every cancerous cell be replaced with a good healthy one. Please heal those whose lives have been touched by cancer.
Today officially makes 6 months since my beautiful momma made her way into heaven’s gates. It has been one heck of a ride y’all. My life has changed in way I would never have anticipated them to and there is still a big part of me that feels lost/empty, but to be completely honest I’m proud of myself for making it here. I still cry almost every single day (most of time it’s still the sound of the shower that triggers my emotions to pour out) but the emotional breakdowns only last about 5 minutes now. And instead of falling apart when I see or think of something that reminds me of her, I can actually smile and laugh about it. I don’t think I’ve gone a day without thinking of her or missing her, I don’t think I’ll ever go a day without doing either one of those things actually; but I am definitely working towards not crying about it everyday. I’ve told myself the same thing time and time again that grief is not easy and grief has no rule book or guide lines to follow, its just me and my journey.
I knew it would be a challenge to celebrate a new year without having mom with us, but it was harder on me than I expected. Just the thought of time moving forward into somewhere where she doesn’t exist was scary. I really do not know how people survive grief, how do you manage to get up everyday and have a positive outlook? I can’t imagine time making any of this easier. But that’s what they say right, time heals? I mean I know it all has to do with my own perspective and how I am seeing the situation, but to me the pain is still so fresh. I just want to be able to grow and heal, each and every day I have to find a way to remind myself I’m doing my very best.