Please give all cancer fighters strength to fight & never give up. May every cancerous cell be replaced with a good healthy one. Please heal those whose lives have been touched by cancer.
Today officially makes 6 months since my beautiful momma made her way into heaven’s gates. It has been one heck of a ride y’all. My life has changed in way I would never have anticipated them to and there is still a big part of me that feels lost/empty, but to be completely honest I’m proud of myself for making it here. I still cry almost every single day (most of time it’s still the sound of the shower that triggers my emotions to pour out) but the emotional breakdowns only last about 5 minutes now. And instead of falling apart when I see or think of something that reminds me of her, I can actually smile and laugh about it. I don’t think I’ve gone a day without thinking of her or missing her, I don’t think I’ll ever go a day without doing either one of those things actually; but I am definitely working towards not crying about it everyday. I’ve told myself the same thing time and time again that grief is not easy and grief has no rule book or guide lines to follow, its just me and my journey.
I knew it would be a challenge to celebrate a new year without having mom with us, but it was harder on me than I expected. Just the thought of time moving forward into somewhere where she doesn’t exist was scary. I really do not know how people survive grief, how do you manage to get up everyday and have a positive outlook? I can’t imagine time making any of this easier. But that’s what they say right, time heals? I mean I know it all has to do with my own perspective and how I am seeing the situation, but to me the pain is still so fresh. I just want to be able to grow and heal, each and every day I have to find a way to remind myself I’m doing my very best.
We have this picture of my mom from a several years ago in our living room, she’s smiling and genuinely happy. That’s how I want to remember her, as the bubbly silly woman she was. But looking at that picture tonight I feel like I almost forgot the pain she suffered, and deep down that kind of hurt. Not because I necessarily want to remember the pain, but I don’t want to forget anything about her… not one single detail, I want to hold onto all of the memories good or bad… I hate that feeling in my stomach when I feel like I’ve forgotten every detail to her face or the sound of her voice. As I sit here teary eyed I realized I didn’t forget any of those details, I’ve sort of pushed them to the back of my mind as a coping mechanism because I am not ready to face my reality that she is never going to come back to us. I know that’s ridiculous for me to say because its been over five months, but it’s the honest truth. I still don’t know how I am going to live the rest of my life without my mom. So I sit here scrolling through my phone to find the last pictures of her I took, even at her worst she still tried so hard to smile and live her life to the fullest. She really was a phenomenal woman.
We’ll switch it up a little bit tonight, five lessons I learned from my mom that I am thankful for today:
- Create a life you’ll love to live
- Be fearless and have courage to follow your dreams
- Choose happiness above all things
- Don’t hold onto things that do not bring you joy
- Persist through life’s challenges because you aren’t made to be broken
4 days til Christmas, can you believe it? I mean are you guys even done shopping yet? I’m not, I have a few more people to go but at this point I’m really considering throwing in the towel and buying gift cards. What I did manage to do is wrap the gifts I already got and place them under the tree though, it looks real nice! Does anyone else find gift wrapping to be kind of therapeutic? With the amount of mental breakdowns I’ve been having lately it was refreshing to focus on something other than the thoughts in my head.
5 things I grateful for today are:
- The ability to get takeout from restaurants (that Olive Garden really hit the spot tonight)
- Having free time to spend with family
- Moments to myself
- The knowledge I’ve gained through past experiences
- Good company/conversation
Things have been challenging lately, these posts have really given me the opportunity to reflect and be more appreciative of my surroundings.
I’ve had a handful of mental breakdowns this past week. I think it has to do with all the life changes happening and the holiday being around the corner, it’s making me really just miss my mom. What I mean is more than the usual amounts of missing her. Time’s moving by so quickly and one thing that makes me feel somewhat guilty is how I’m able to live without her…
But that’s the whole point of all of this, right? Learning to live without her? I mean after all there’s nothing anyone can do to make her come back… Trying to stay positive can be extremely difficult sometimes, but I can’t stop my progress. Momma didn’t raise a quitter. Sooo five things I have grateful for today:
- The time I had with my mom
- Having an amazing mom to look up to
- For who I am because of my parents
- Time healing my wounds
- God & Mom always looking out for me
With graduation right around the corner (literally next Monday) everyone keeps asking me what’s my next move? And honestly I can’t come up with an answer because most days I still feel like a piece of me is missing. I feel like I can’t make any big decisions because nothing feels quite right. I wish I had words of encouragement from my mom, I wish she would have been able to be by my side for my biggest achievement. I feel like I’m being robbed because nothing in the world will change the fact that I just need my mom.