Have you ever heard a song that nailed every single emotion you’ve tried to lock away and brought it back to life? Yet you can’t stop yourself from listening to the words on repeat because it’s everything you feel and more? These lyrics get me, they feel every ounce of my pain and grief. I hate knowing that someone else has known this pain though, because no one should have to lose someone who means so much. It’s being part of a club that no one wanted to join, one you wish no one else ever gets to join.
Though I know that you’re not there
I still write you all these songs
It’s like, you still got the right to know what’s going on
As I struggle to remember how you used to look and sound
Sometimes I still think I can spot you in the crowd
I just wanna start off saying I’m a firm believer in signs, although many people say things are coincidental I believe there’s always a reason behind everything. I also believe when loved ones pass on from earth they find ways to communicate with us through signs, because they are always looking down from above and making sure we’re safe and sound.
At around 3am our fire alarm went off twice, ten minutes apart but it rang twice you guys. We searched the house but found no fire anywhere. The only thing I could pin point it to was I fell asleep with a heat pad on, mom must have been watching me from the heavens and woke us before anything could have happened (because there was no smoke or fire or anything from the heat pad being on for the few hours I was asleep).
Sending all the love up to the heavens because all I want to do this Mother’s Day is give you a hug and tell you how much I love you.
It’s been over 9 months now, slowly but surely I’m feeling more and more like my old self. Scratch that a better version of myself, one my mom would be proud of. The hole in my heart is gradually healing. I won’t lie and say that there aren’t days (or moments) that I still break down and lose it, because grief takes longer than months or even years to overcome but I’m doing better. I miss you so much mom, losing you has been harder than my mind is able to grasp.
With everything that’s going on in the world, it’s been difficult to have a positive mind set. Anytime you turn on the news or get onto social media there are endless news articles about sickness and death, I understand the reasons for the coverage of these stories but I hate that this is what our lives have come to. Today I’m choosing to look at the positives of this situation, positive outcomes of covid19 for me:
- It’s given me a new appreciation for things I’ve taken for granted; things like gathering with friends and family, shopping, eating at a restaurant, and having full time employment
- I’ve learned to slow down and enjoy the simple things in life; like sleeping in, reading, home cooked meals, and spending more time at home
- It’s helped me reevaluate my spending; not only with finances but how I spend my time too
- The opportunity to try new things and find new hobbies (especially things I’ve always said I’ve never had time to do)
- Being able to learn about myself more and giving myself time to grow without outside stressors
It’s been a rough couple of weeks, with the pandemic going on as well as a lot more firsts since mom passed… and to be frank, I’ve really been struggling with all of it. Last week was both hers and dad’s birthday, which I’m surprised to say we survived it. This week has couple more family member’s birthdays too and I really just can’t find reasons to smile or celebrate. My heart just feels heavy and I’m fighting with myself to be okay.
Just when I thought things were getting easier, it gets hard again. I think the scariest part of the COVID19 pandemic to me right now is all the uncertainties, we don’t know when things will go back to normal or if they ever will. My anxiety over the situation has been slowly growing, each night it’s been harder and harder for me to relax enough to even get any rest. I’ve been struggling with my chest feeling extremely tight at the end of the night as well as not being able to shut off my brain, I feel like I’m losing it. To add to my anxiety, today my boss officially decided she will no longer be able to staff everyone at our office. Now I’m possibly jobless and there’s not a single thing I can even do about right now. Praying for things to get better because there’s no way it’ll be like this forever right?
I can only imagine how my dad feels today, seeing everyone everywhere expressing their love for one another. I caught him talking to a picture of mom apologizing for not being able to get her flowers today because he got off work late, in that moment my heart broke for him. He’s the strong one, the leader, the protector seeing him in this vulnerable moments are rare. I know every day is a new challenge for him because she was his absolute best friend and love of his life, but today… man today I wish I could give him another moment with her.
Asking for a friend, what are some tips that help someone sleep better at night? And what’s it mean if someone has been waking up in a panic for the past week for so? Like gasping for air sort of panic some days… okay so I’m really that “friend” but really though what should I do to sleep better? Yoga before bed? Warm shower? Drink warm milk? Meditation? I really would love some feedback, thanks in advance.
I wish I could just sleep off all the pain. Trying to convey to the world that you’re okay gets extremely exhausting. It’s like no matter how much sleep I get, I’m still so tired. Almost as if I don’t really even get any rest, I mean I know I sleep but I don’t feel any relief and I don’t feel rested either. It’s like my mind continues to race til it literally can’t handle anymore and I just pass out for a couple of hours. My eyes stay shut and my mind goes dark but when I open my eyes everything comes right back… all the hurt and emptiness, all the words I wish I could have said, all the things I wish I could have done, all the memories of moments that I wish I could cherished a little more…