It’s been a rough couple of weeks, with the pandemic going on as well as a lot more firsts since mom passed… and to be frank, I’ve really been struggling with all of it. Last week was both hers and dad’s birthday, which I’m surprised to say we survived it. This week has couple more family member’s birthdays too and I really just can’t find reasons to smile or celebrate. My heart just feels heavy and I’m fighting with myself to be okay.
I wish I could just sleep off all the pain. Trying to convey to the world that you’re okay gets extremely exhausting. It’s like no matter how much sleep I get, I’m still so tired. Almost as if I don’t really even get any rest, I mean I know I sleep but I don’t feel any relief and I don’t feel rested either. It’s like my mind continues to race til it literally can’t handle anymore and I just pass out for a couple of hours. My eyes stay shut and my mind goes dark but when I open my eyes everything comes right back… all the hurt and emptiness, all the words I wish I could have said, all the things I wish I could have done, all the memories of moments that I wish I could cherished a little more…
The past couple of days I’ve had a lot of time to reflect (actually to overthink, if I’m being honest), and it’s led me to realize I really dislike being alone with my thoughts. Grief is hard because you can’t really control it. Mostly I still feel empty, like I’m searching for a missing part of myself but I’m really not sure how to find the answer. I wish more than anything that I could have a one on one conversation with my mom about life, I need the love and encouragement that only a mom could give.
With graduation right around the corner (literally next Monday) everyone keeps asking me what’s my next move? And honestly I can’t come up with an answer because most days I still feel like a piece of me is missing. I feel like I can’t make any big decisions because nothing feels quite right. I wish I had words of encouragement from my mom, I wish she would have been able to be by my side for my biggest achievement. I feel like I’m being robbed because nothing in the world will change the fact that I just need my mom.
They come out of nowhere and it’s impossible to hold back the tears. I hate those moments where I relive the loss. Where my mind wonders and ends up over analyzing every last detail to the last weeks and days you were alive. There’s so many signs that we missed, so many small things that I wish I could have noticed so I could have cherished those last moments more.
They say that grief is the last act of love we have to give to those we loved. For the past three months I’ve watched my dad, whom for my entire twenty-four years of existence, go from superhuman to a shell of a man grieving the loss of his one true love. All my life he’s been the man with the answers, the one anyone and everyone would go to for help of any kind. But since the loss of mom I’ve learned a different side of him, I’ve realized even Superman has vulnerability. I’ve never seen him express so much anger, hurt, heartache, pain, or sorrow in my entire life. He’s worked aimlessly trying to find peace in the chaos that’s left behind her, but day by day I can see how tired he’s becoming.
I really wish there were something I could do to ease his pain, something I could do to bring him just an ounce of peace… but I know the truth behind that is we all have our own grieving journeys to work through. I might have lost my mom, but he lost his best friend and love of his life… that kind of loss is immeasurable.
For the last year and a half we’ve been consumed in doctors appointments, nurse visits, chemotherapy, radiation, anything and everything that came with mom having cancer. Since she passed that busyness has been replaced with a silence that seems to be slowly consuming all of us. We’re stuck in that dark silent place, and it doesn’t seem like anyone knows what to do to get out of here.
Missing you is hard enough but man do I hate when the what if’s start to weigh in. It’s the things I didn’t do or better yet the things I’d wish I’d done better that make me wish so badly that I had the ability to reverse time. The list goes on and on, almost as if it grows with each passing moment. The though of what if I had one more moment with you, the things I’d do or say to make you realize how much you truly meant to me; because lord knows I never told you enough. Every night when before I close my eyes I pray that you’d be able to forgive me for all the what if’s I’ve turned into regrets. I wish more than anything I’d made more memories and took more photos, because what I have left of you isn’t enough.
Empty, because I wasn’t ready to let you go. From the beginning we knew we didn’t have forever, but I still held onto hope that God would give you more time. As the days passed and I saw you grow weaker I knew I had to prepare myself, but nothing could have prepared me for what I’m feeling now. Everyone keeps saying to give it more time that things get better over time, but I don’t think that can ever be true. I don’t think there’s anything that can fill the void of losing you.