With everything that’s going on in the world, it’s been difficult to have a positive mind set. Anytime you turn on the news or get onto social media there are endless news articles about sickness and death, I understand the reasons for the coverage of these stories but I hate that this is what our lives have come to. Today I’m choosing to look at the positives of this situation, positive outcomes of covid19 for me:
- It’s given me a new appreciation for things I’ve taken for granted; things like gathering with friends and family, shopping, eating at a restaurant, and having full time employment
- I’ve learned to slow down and enjoy the simple things in life; like sleeping in, reading, home cooked meals, and spending more time at home
- It’s helped me reevaluate my spending; not only with finances but how I spend my time too
- The opportunity to try new things and find new hobbies (especially things I’ve always said I’ve never had time to do)
- Being able to learn about myself more and giving myself time to grow without outside stressors
It’s been a rough couple of weeks, with the pandemic going on as well as a lot more firsts since mom passed… and to be frank, I’ve really been struggling with all of it. Last week was both hers and dad’s birthday, which I’m surprised to say we survived it. This week has couple more family member’s birthdays too and I really just can’t find reasons to smile or celebrate. My heart just feels heavy and I’m fighting with myself to be okay.
This morning at the temple one of the monks spoke to us about the meaning of a new beginning and its symbolism of new opportunities. He talked to us about how so many people go into a new year hoping for good luck and good health, hoping that the new year will bring forth things the previous year was lacking. However in reality your luck comes from your karma, good or bad, it’s about what we put into the universe that we receive in return. He challenged all of us to take a step back and really think about what we are wanting to succeed this upcoming year and how we plan to achieve those goals. Life is a chain reaction of events that occur based on your current actions. We talked about how people sometimes miss the opportunity to better themselves because they are so consumed in believing the future is already written and there is nothing they can do to change that. When truth be told, your the creator of your own story.
This conversation stuck with me for the remainder of the day. It made me reevaluate my goals for 2020 (and then some) and really take a second to pause and think about how I’ve been living my life. My plan is to live mindfully and be more perceptive of my surroundings/actions.
4 days til Christmas, can you believe it? I mean are you guys even done shopping yet? I’m not, I have a few more people to go but at this point I’m really considering throwing in the towel and buying gift cards. What I did manage to do is wrap the gifts I already got and place them under the tree though, it looks real nice! Does anyone else find gift wrapping to be kind of therapeutic? With the amount of mental breakdowns I’ve been having lately it was refreshing to focus on something other than the thoughts in my head.
5 things I grateful for today are:
- The ability to get takeout from restaurants (that Olive Garden really hit the spot tonight)
- Having free time to spend with family
- Moments to myself
- The knowledge I’ve gained through past experiences
- Good company/conversation
Things have been challenging lately, these posts have really given me the opportunity to reflect and be more appreciative of my surroundings.
I’ve had a handful of mental breakdowns this past week. I think it has to do with all the life changes happening and the holiday being around the corner, it’s making me really just miss my mom. What I mean is more than the usual amounts of missing her. Time’s moving by so quickly and one thing that makes me feel somewhat guilty is how I’m able to live without her…
But that’s the whole point of all of this, right? Learning to live without her? I mean after all there’s nothing anyone can do to make her come back… Trying to stay positive can be extremely difficult sometimes, but I can’t stop my progress. Momma didn’t raise a quitter. Sooo five things I have grateful for today:
- The time I had with my mom
- Having an amazing mom to look up to
- For who I am because of my parents
- Time healing my wounds
- God & Mom always looking out for me
With graduation right around the corner (literally next Monday) everyone keeps asking me what’s my next move? And honestly I can’t come up with an answer because most days I still feel like a piece of me is missing. I feel like I can’t make any big decisions because nothing feels quite right. I wish I had words of encouragement from my mom, I wish she would have been able to be by my side for my biggest achievement. I feel like I’m being robbed because nothing in the world will change the fact that I just need my mom.
Missing you is hard enough but man do I hate when the what if’s start to weigh in. It’s the things I didn’t do or better yet the things I’d wish I’d done better that make me wish so badly that I had the ability to reverse time. The list goes on and on, almost as if it grows with each passing moment. The though of what if I had one more moment with you, the things I’d do or say to make you realize how much you truly meant to me; because lord knows I never told you enough. Every night when before I close my eyes I pray that you’d be able to forgive me for all the what if’s I’ve turned into regrets. I wish more than anything I’d made more memories and took more photos, because what I have left of you isn’t enough.