The past couple of days I’ve had a lot of time to reflect (actually to overthink, if I’m being honest), and it’s led me to realize I really dislike being alone with my thoughts. Grief is hard because you can’t really control it. Mostly I still feel empty, like I’m searching for a missing part of myself but I’m really not sure how to find the answer. I wish more than anything that I could have a one on one conversation with my mom about life, I need the love and encouragement that only a mom could give.
Lately I’ve been into the idea that your energy levels mirror the space you occupy. Things that need to be taken into account are who and what you choose to let into that space. Whether that be physical space or mental space, I’ve really been reevaluating different aspects of my life. I’ve noticed my physical surroundings have been a bit messy, leading to my mind also being cluttered and me feeling tired all the time. I’ve been really pushing myself to create a better space for myself to come home to, because if we’re being completely honest everyone wants to be able to just come home and relax a little. I’ve cleaned out and organized some of the junk lying around as well as focusing on things that bring me energy too, for a while I turned my salt lamps on every night and that seemed to really help with my anxiety levels; so I’ve made it a point to start doing that again. I am also big on subtle smelly things so instead of having a candle burning all the time I got myself a diffuser and am using essential oils. I know it’s not a huge step into doing better for myself but every little step counts.
Please give all cancer fighters strength to fight & never give up. May every cancerous cell be replaced with a good healthy one. Please heal those whose lives have been touched by cancer.
Monday mornings have always been my least favorite. It’s the hardest day of the week to get out of bed, the longest day of the week, the day that I need an endless supply of coffee. So if you’re like me you need some Monday motivation.
While I’m here and I have the chance I figured it’d be nice to take a moment and write out a few things that I’m thankful for today:
- Country music
- Good nights sleep
- Sun rises
- Girl Scout cookies
Today officially makes 6 months since my beautiful momma made her way into heaven’s gates. It has been one heck of a ride y’all. My life has changed in way I would never have anticipated them to and there is still a big part of me that feels lost/empty, but to be completely honest I’m proud of myself for making it here. I still cry almost every single day (most of time it’s still the sound of the shower that triggers my emotions to pour out) but the emotional breakdowns only last about 5 minutes now. And instead of falling apart when I see or think of something that reminds me of her, I can actually smile and laugh about it. I don’t think I’ve gone a day without thinking of her or missing her, I don’t think I’ll ever go a day without doing either one of those things actually; but I am definitely working towards not crying about it everyday. I’ve told myself the same thing time and time again that grief is not easy and grief has no rule book or guide lines to follow, its just me and my journey.
This morning at the temple one of the monks spoke to us about the meaning of a new beginning and its symbolism of new opportunities. He talked to us about how so many people go into a new year hoping for good luck and good health, hoping that the new year will bring forth things the previous year was lacking. However in reality your luck comes from your karma, good or bad, it’s about what we put into the universe that we receive in return. He challenged all of us to take a step back and really think about what we are wanting to succeed this upcoming year and how we plan to achieve those goals. Life is a chain reaction of events that occur based on your current actions. We talked about how people sometimes miss the opportunity to better themselves because they are so consumed in believing the future is already written and there is nothing they can do to change that. When truth be told, your the creator of your own story.
This conversation stuck with me for the remainder of the day. It made me reevaluate my goals for 2020 (and then some) and really take a second to pause and think about how I’ve been living my life. My plan is to live mindfully and be more perceptive of my surroundings/actions.
One of the bloggers I follow shared the cutest idea and I wanted to pass it onto you guys. She does it with her boyfriend but honestly I think it’d be a cute idea to do individually too. Since we’re all still on the topic of new year new you, she was sharing how they do a yearly and quarterly goal list. At the beginning of each year they’ve gone through and jotted down in a journal their long term goals for the year, followed by quarterly short term goals every few months. The key is to not look back on the journal until coming up with the next quarter or for the yearly goals not until the end of the year. That way you’re focused on yourself and living life but not feeling obligated to do things exactly. I thought it was super cute because it gives you the flexibility to live your life day by day then toward the year mark you can go back and see how much you accomplished without even realizing you might have even written it down. Super cute and fun idea, going to work on mine later this week!
I’m sure you’ve all heard the saying “ If You Want Something, You Have to Put It Out Into The Universe.” I’m a firm believer in affirmations and stating truths to clear a path for your destiny. I think if you want something bad enough and you set your mind to it, it can be achieved. With that being said I always set myself a few New Years resolutions dependent upon lessons I’ve learned the year before; so here goes nothing, universe I hope you’re listening. This is in no particular order what so ever, my manifestations for 2020 are as follows:
- Follow through with my career goals and figure out a plan of attack for nursing school
- Learn to stick to a budget, try to at least double how much money I currently have in my bank account
- Foster a deeper connection with my loved ones
- Become more independent as an adult, take on more responsibilities
- Find things that truly make me happy
- Honor mom’s memory, allow myself time to properly grief
I knew it would be a challenge to celebrate a new year without having mom with us, but it was harder on me than I expected. Just the thought of time moving forward into somewhere where she doesn’t exist was scary. I really do not know how people survive grief, how do you manage to get up everyday and have a positive outlook? I can’t imagine time making any of this easier. But that’s what they say right, time heals? I mean I know it all has to do with my own perspective and how I am seeing the situation, but to me the pain is still so fresh. I just want to be able to grow and heal, each and every day I have to find a way to remind myself I’m doing my very best.
There’s so much to reflect on this year. I’ve survived so much more than I thought I’d ever be able to handle, and I’ve managed to learn so much in the process. Truly it’s been hard to trust god and his plan for my future but I’m glad he’s been able to navigate me through the rough waters. Looking forward to so much in 2020.
5 things I was thankful I learned in 2019:
- How important family is
- Look to the light at the end of the tunnel
- Trust the process
- Stop and smell the flowers, it’s worth it
- Be thankful for everything in life