They say that grief is the last act of love we have to give to those we loved. For the past three months I’ve watched my dad, whom for my entire twenty-four years of existence, go from superhuman to a shell of a man grieving the loss of his one true love. All my life he’s been the man with the answers, the one anyone and everyone would go to for help of any kind. But since the loss of mom I’ve learned a different side of him, I’ve realized even Superman has vulnerability. I’ve never seen him express so much anger, hurt, heartache, pain, or sorrow in my entire life. He’s worked aimlessly trying to find peace in the chaos that’s left behind her, but day by day I can see how tired he’s becoming.
I really wish there were something I could do to ease his pain, something I could do to bring him just an ounce of peace… but I know the truth behind that is we all have our own grieving journeys to work through. I might have lost my mom, but he lost his best friend and love of his life… that kind of loss is immeasurable.
may include overwhelming tiredness & exhaustion, confusion, difficulty with concentration, sleep changes, appetite changes, nightmares, social isolation, restlessness, aches & pains, anxiety attacks, and difficultly breathing. And let me tell you something, I really do feel all of those things.
/ɡrēf /əˈtak/ verb.
When grieving we can be going along and everything seems to be okay, then out of nowhere grief hits you at full force. These are not set backs, they are part of the grieving experience.
Confession: I haven’t been able to post lately because I haven’t really felt like myself. It’s been a struggle trying to get a good nights sleep, most night I’m extremely restless. I spend my nights tossing and turning until I am finally able to pass out for a couple of hours. To top it all off I’ve also been having a recurring nightmare, the small details to the dream change here and there but for the most part it all ends the same. I’m never able to save mom. The dream is me reliving the last few days/week of her life, except in my dream it’s just me and her when it gets hard. I’m never able to help her alone, she’s weak, hurting, and crying… and I’m so helpless. Subconsciously I’m always wondering why on earth God only gave me twenty-four years with her, and in my dreams I try to work out what’s I could have done differently to be able to save her. But even those dreams have turned into nightmares because saving her was beyond anyone’s control… Which leads me back to this: the hardest concepts for me to grasp is having to live the rest of my life without her.
For the last year and a half we’ve been consumed in doctors appointments, nurse visits, chemotherapy, radiation, anything and everything that came with mom having cancer. Since she passed that busyness has been replaced with a silence that seems to be slowly consuming all of us. We’re stuck in that dark silent place, and it doesn’t seem like anyone knows what to do to get out of here.
Missing you is hard enough but man do I hate when the what if’s start to weigh in. It’s the things I didn’t do or better yet the things I’d wish I’d done better that make me wish so badly that I had the ability to reverse time. The list goes on and on, almost as if it grows with each passing moment. The though of what if I had one more moment with you, the things I’d do or say to make you realize how much you truly meant to me; because lord knows I never told you enough. Every night when before I close my eyes I pray that you’d be able to forgive me for all the what if’s I’ve turned into regrets. I wish more than anything I’d made more memories and took more photos, because what I have left of you isn’t enough.