It’s been over 9 months now, slowly but surely I’m feeling more and more like my old self. Scratch that a better version of myself, one my mom would be proud of. The hole in my heart is gradually healing. I won’t lie and say that there aren’t days (or moments) that I still break down and lose it, because grief takes longer than months or even years to overcome but I’m doing better. I miss you so much mom, losing you has been harder than my mind is able to grasp.
It’s been a rough couple of weeks, with the pandemic going on as well as a lot more firsts since mom passed… and to be frank, I’ve really been struggling with all of it. Last week was both hers and dad’s birthday, which I’m surprised to say we survived it. This week has couple more family member’s birthdays too and I really just can’t find reasons to smile or celebrate. My heart just feels heavy and I’m fighting with myself to be okay.
I wish I could just sleep off all the pain. Trying to convey to the world that you’re okay gets extremely exhausting. It’s like no matter how much sleep I get, I’m still so tired. Almost as if I don’t really even get any rest, I mean I know I sleep but I don’t feel any relief and I don’t feel rested either. It’s like my mind continues to race til it literally can’t handle anymore and I just pass out for a couple of hours. My eyes stay shut and my mind goes dark but when I open my eyes everything comes right back… all the hurt and emptiness, all the words I wish I could have said, all the things I wish I could have done, all the memories of moments that I wish I could cherished a little more…
I knew it would be a challenge to celebrate a new year without having mom with us, but it was harder on me than I expected. Just the thought of time moving forward into somewhere where she doesn’t exist was scary. I really do not know how people survive grief, how do you manage to get up everyday and have a positive outlook? I can’t imagine time making any of this easier. But that’s what they say right, time heals? I mean I know it all has to do with my own perspective and how I am seeing the situation, but to me the pain is still so fresh. I just want to be able to grow and heal, each and every day I have to find a way to remind myself I’m doing my very best.
We have this picture of my mom from a several years ago in our living room, she’s smiling and genuinely happy. That’s how I want to remember her, as the bubbly silly woman she was. But looking at that picture tonight I feel like I almost forgot the pain she suffered, and deep down that kind of hurt. Not because I necessarily want to remember the pain, but I don’t want to forget anything about her… not one single detail, I want to hold onto all of the memories good or bad… I hate that feeling in my stomach when I feel like I’ve forgotten every detail to her face or the sound of her voice. As I sit here teary eyed I realized I didn’t forget any of those details, I’ve sort of pushed them to the back of my mind as a coping mechanism because I am not ready to face my reality that she is never going to come back to us. I know that’s ridiculous for me to say because its been over five months, but it’s the honest truth. I still don’t know how I am going to live the rest of my life without my mom. So I sit here scrolling through my phone to find the last pictures of her I took, even at her worst she still tried so hard to smile and live her life to the fullest. She really was a phenomenal woman.
We’ll switch it up a little bit tonight, five lessons I learned from my mom that I am thankful for today:
- Create a life you’ll love to live
- Be fearless and have courage to follow your dreams
- Choose happiness above all things
- Don’t hold onto things that do not bring you joy
- Persist through life’s challenges because you aren’t made to be broken
Everyone says that birthdays and holidays following a loss are the hardest… now imagine both being on the same day, is that a double whammy? Or a blessing in disguise?