It’s been over 9 months now, slowly but surely I’m feeling more and more like my old self. Scratch that a better version of myself, one my mom would be proud of. The hole in my heart is gradually healing. I won’t lie and say that there aren’t days (or moments) that I still break down and lose it, because grief takes longer than months or even years to overcome but I’m doing better. I miss you so much mom, losing you has been harder than my mind is able to grasp.
Tag Archives: bittersweet
January 1, 2020
I knew it would be a challenge to celebrate a new year without having mom with us, but it was harder on me than I expected. Just the thought of time moving forward into somewhere where she doesn’t exist was scary. I really do not know how people survive grief, how do you manage to get up everyday and have a positive outlook? I can’t imagine time making any of this easier. But that’s what they say right, time heals? I mean I know it all has to do with my own perspective and how I am seeing the situation, but to me the pain is still so fresh. I just want to be able to grow and heal, each and every day I have to find a way to remind myself I’m doing my very best.
Missing piece
With graduation right around the corner (literally next Monday) everyone keeps asking me what’s my next move? And honestly I can’t come up with an answer because most days I still feel like a piece of me is missing. I feel like I can’t make any big decisions because nothing feels quite right. I wish I had words of encouragement from my mom, I wish she would have been able to be by my side for my biggest achievement. I feel like I’m being robbed because nothing in the world will change the fact that I just need my mom.
Bittersweet
I graduated highschool 6 years ago, and all along I’ve been taking college courses but have struggled to finish my degree. I’ve jumped from university to university even switching my major a couple times too because nothing seemed to be a good fit for me. This morning it felt like all my hopes and dreams were crashing down because the only course I had left to take in order to graduate was completely full. I immediately called my academic advisor begging for her help because I just needed this one thing, I just need to finally graduate.
A few months back I remember sitting down with my mom telling her how excited I was because I was sure this year would be the year I finally graduated college, the year I would finally make my parents proud… As I saw her growing weaker I kept thinking to myself that I just needed a few more months to make it happen. I begged God to give her strength to make it to my graduation, because I just needed to make her proud… And when she passed that was one of the things that started to eat me up inside, I never gave her that proud parent moment… all because I couldn’t get my shit together, all because “nothing seemed to be a good fit.”
Back to the conversation I had with my academic advisor this morning, it was absolutely soul crushing when she told me my graduation might be postponed another semester if I couldn’t register for that class. I didn’t even know what else to say to after that, I just wanted to curl up into a ball and drown into a sea of depression and guilt that even after all this time I couldn’t keep my word… I couldn’t graduate this year like I told mom I would. I hung up the phone and started to spiral, graduation was the only thing I was looking forward to since she passed.
A few hours passed and I still couldn’t wrap my mind around the conversation I had this morning with my advisor, this couldn’t be happening… why did it feel like the world was working against me? God why? Why me?
And then it happened… I looked down at my phone and saw a phone number from Arizona calling me, which meant it had to be my school. “Judy? This is Sandra your advisor calling, I have good new… I spoke to the dean and the professor for the course, I went ahead and enrolled you in for your final course… you can go ahead and apply for graduation. Congratulations!” I couldn’t believe it, I couldn’t say or do anything accept thank her over and over again for making it possible. Immediately I texted my sisters to share the good news, I’m still waiting to tell dad later tonight, but the only person I couldn’t tell of course was mom which made things bittersweet. But I can’t help feeling like somehow someway she (mom) was the one who actually made it happen. Thank you mom for always having my back, I’ll be sure to make you proud.
Learningtolivewithoutyou 