Have you ever heard a song that nailed every single emotion you’ve tried to lock away and brought it back to life? Yet you can’t stop yourself from listening to the words on repeat because it’s everything you feel and more? These lyrics get me, they feel every ounce of my pain and grief. I hate knowing that someone else has known this pain though, because no one should have to lose someone who means so much. It’s being part of a club that no one wanted to join, one you wish no one else ever gets to join.
Though I know that you’re not there
I still write you all these songs
It’s like, you still got the right to know what’s going on
As I struggle to remember how you used to look and sound
Sometimes I still think I can spot you in the crowd
It’s been over 9 months now, slowly but surely I’m feeling more and more like my old self. Scratch that a better version of myself, one my mom would be proud of. The hole in my heart is gradually healing. I won’t lie and say that there aren’t days (or moments) that I still break down and lose it, because grief takes longer than months or even years to overcome but I’m doing better. I miss you so much mom, losing you has been harder than my mind is able to grasp.
I can only imagine how my dad feels today, seeing everyone everywhere expressing their love for one another. I caught him talking to a picture of mom apologizing for not being able to get her flowers today because he got off work late, in that moment my heart broke for him. He’s the strong one, the leader, the protector seeing him in this vulnerable moments are rare. I know every day is a new challenge for him because she was his absolute best friend and love of his life, but today… man today I wish I could give him another moment with her.
4 days til Christmas, can you believe it? I mean are you guys even done shopping yet? I’m not, I have a few more people to go but at this point I’m really considering throwing in the towel and buying gift cards. What I did manage to do is wrap the gifts I already got and place them under the tree though, it looks real nice! Does anyone else find gift wrapping to be kind of therapeutic? With the amount of mental breakdowns I’ve been having lately it was refreshing to focus on something other than the thoughts in my head.
5 things I grateful for today are:
- The ability to get takeout from restaurants (that Olive Garden really hit the spot tonight)
- Having free time to spend with family
- Moments to myself
- The knowledge I’ve gained through past experiences
- Good company/conversation
Things have been challenging lately, these posts have really given me the opportunity to reflect and be more appreciative of my surroundings.
I’ve had a handful of mental breakdowns this past week. I think it has to do with all the life changes happening and the holiday being around the corner, it’s making me really just miss my mom. What I mean is more than the usual amounts of missing her. Time’s moving by so quickly and one thing that makes me feel somewhat guilty is how I’m able to live without her…
But that’s the whole point of all of this, right? Learning to live without her? I mean after all there’s nothing anyone can do to make her come back… Trying to stay positive can be extremely difficult sometimes, but I can’t stop my progress. Momma didn’t raise a quitter. Sooo five things I have grateful for today:
- The time I had with my mom
- Having an amazing mom to look up to
- For who I am because of my parents
- Time healing my wounds
- God & Mom always looking out for me
Four days into my own challenge and I already failed, I promise it was for a good reason though. Today I officially graduated college with my Bachelors Degree, one major change and six years later but all my hard work and dedication has finally paid off. As with anything else since mom passed the moment is bitter sweet, But I know she’s up in heaven celebrating too.
So back to my challenge, I’ll make it up by posting 20 things that I’m thankful for:
- Finally graduating College
- Having a support system who believe in me even when I doubt myself
- Having a close knit family
- The professors who helped me grow as a person
- Starbucks for helping me find my passion and paying part of my tuition
- Coffee for the late nights and early mornings
- Starbucks for all the friends I’ve made along the way
- All the new opportunities ahead of me
- All my past experiences that make me who I am today
- My sisters and cousin for being my cheerleaders through everything in life
- My parents for being my biggest role models and paving a way for my success
- My aunts for being my second and third mom
- All the amazing people in my life
- Mother Nature for being so gorgeous (that made for a fun Tx to Az road trip)
- Being able to relax and reconnect with nature
- The stars, moon, and planets
- Having the courage to follow my dreams through all the challenges I’ve faced
- The financial help I received from my parents throughout the entirety of my college career
- Graduating with zero college debt
- Doing something that I know makes my parents proud
With graduation right around the corner (literally next Monday) everyone keeps asking me what’s my next move? And honestly I can’t come up with an answer because most days I still feel like a piece of me is missing. I feel like I can’t make any big decisions because nothing feels quite right. I wish I had words of encouragement from my mom, I wish she would have been able to be by my side for my biggest achievement. I feel like I’m being robbed because nothing in the world will change the fact that I just need my mom.
They come out of nowhere and it’s impossible to hold back the tears. I hate those moments where I relive the loss. Where my mind wonders and ends up over analyzing every last detail to the last weeks and days you were alive. There’s so many signs that we missed, so many small things that I wish I could have noticed so I could have cherished those last moments more.
I work at a doctors office so I know it’s impossible to avoid hearing or seeing the word cancer, but when I do it still gets me a little. Every time I’m charting and see the cancer box checked, I have to take a moment to collect myself… because that terrible disease is what turned my life upside. Usually I can take deep breaths and count to ten and be fine, but today was a different story.
Today, not only was the box checked off but written next to it was endocervical cancer… and I completely lost it. I set aside the same chart maybe five different times before I was even able to type those words…
They say that grief is the last act of love we have to give to those we loved. For the past three months I’ve watched my dad, whom for my entire twenty-four years of existence, go from superhuman to a shell of a man grieving the loss of his one true love. All my life he’s been the man with the answers, the one anyone and everyone would go to for help of any kind. But since the loss of mom I’ve learned a different side of him, I’ve realized even Superman has vulnerability. I’ve never seen him express so much anger, hurt, heartache, pain, or sorrow in my entire life. He’s worked aimlessly trying to find peace in the chaos that’s left behind her, but day by day I can see how tired he’s becoming.
I really wish there were something I could do to ease his pain, something I could do to bring him just an ounce of peace… but I know the truth behind that is we all have our own grieving journeys to work through. I might have lost my mom, but he lost his best friend and love of his life… that kind of loss is immeasurable.