With graduation right around the corner (literally next Monday) everyone keeps asking me what’s my next move? And honestly I can’t come up with an answer because most days I still feel like a piece of me is missing. I feel like I can’t make any big decisions because nothing feels quite right. I wish I had words of encouragement from my mom, I wish she would have been able to be by my side for my biggest achievement. I feel like I’m being robbed because nothing in the world will change the fact that I just need my mom.
They come out of nowhere and it’s impossible to hold back the tears. I hate those moments where I relive the loss. Where my mind wonders and ends up over analyzing every last detail to the last weeks and days you were alive. There’s so many signs that we missed, so many small things that I wish I could have noticed so I could have cherished those last moments more.
I work at a doctors office so I know it’s impossible to avoid hearing or seeing the word cancer, but when I do it still gets me a little. Every time I’m charting and see the cancer box checked, I have to take a moment to collect myself… because that terrible disease is what turned my life upside. Usually I can take deep breaths and count to ten and be fine, but today was a different story.
Today, not only was the box checked off but written next to it was endocervical cancer… and I completely lost it. I set aside the same chart maybe five different times before I was even able to type those words…
They say that grief is the last act of love we have to give to those we loved. For the past three months I’ve watched my dad, whom for my entire twenty-four years of existence, go from superhuman to a shell of a man grieving the loss of his one true love. All my life he’s been the man with the answers, the one anyone and everyone would go to for help of any kind. But since the loss of mom I’ve learned a different side of him, I’ve realized even Superman has vulnerability. I’ve never seen him express so much anger, hurt, heartache, pain, or sorrow in my entire life. He’s worked aimlessly trying to find peace in the chaos that’s left behind her, but day by day I can see how tired he’s becoming.
I really wish there were something I could do to ease his pain, something I could do to bring him just an ounce of peace… but I know the truth behind that is we all have our own grieving journeys to work through. I might have lost my mom, but he lost his best friend and love of his life… that kind of loss is immeasurable.
You should be here.
Confession: I haven’t been able to post lately because I haven’t really felt like myself. It’s been a struggle trying to get a good nights sleep, most night I’m extremely restless. I spend my nights tossing and turning until I am finally able to pass out for a couple of hours. To top it all off I’ve also been having a recurring nightmare, the small details to the dream change here and there but for the most part it all ends the same. I’m never able to save mom. The dream is me reliving the last few days/week of her life, except in my dream it’s just me and her when it gets hard. I’m never able to help her alone, she’s weak, hurting, and crying… and I’m so helpless. Subconsciously I’m always wondering why on earth God only gave me twenty-four years with her, and in my dreams I try to work out what’s I could have done differently to be able to save her. But even those dreams have turned into nightmares because saving her was beyond anyone’s control… Which leads me back to this: the hardest concepts for me to grasp is having to live the rest of my life without her.
& just like that the hardest 62 days of my life flew by. I honestly don’t know how I’ve managed to wake up everyday and carry on, but I did it. I actually did it.